4 years.
(Date: January 22, 2012)
So today is the day. I’ve held out on this long enough..time to face the music. 4 years ago on this very day, I lost someone so special to me. My great grandma. I’ve heard the story of her death so many times I have it locked in my mind even though I wasn’t able to be there. I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye one last time. I still remember the feeling of coming home from school and seeing her picture in a frame on the dining room table, my mom looking me straight in the eyes and telling me she was gone. Of course being a middle schooler, I went straight into denial. I dropped my stuff and the tears just came. I was horrified..I honestly didn’t understand what was happening. Things felt unreal..like I was in a dream. A cold, dark, horrid dream that I couldn’t wake up from. I remember holding her picture, squeezing it close to me and looking up to God wondering why this was happening. Why He had to take her away. Why I didn’t get to say my last goodbye. Things were just a blur. I also remember seeing her corpse. She looked beautiful, the people fixed her up really well. I really admired my mom around that time, she was holding on so strong. At first I thought she was just being heartless, I wondered why she wasn’t crying about this and then one day I heard her say, crying isn’t going to get anything done. She continued to help my grandmas set everything right for the funeral. Everyone was holding tough. Relatives from different states had come to visit. The day of the funeral had come and that’s when the strong faces had disappeared. One by one, we each went up to her coffin to drop a rose and say our last goodbyes before we go off to cremate her. Tears fell, goodbyes were said, and everyone was losing it. The strength and energy that was held in was gone. Then it was time. They took her to the cremation center. My grandpa was to be the one to press the button that starts the flames. A family friend’s son, who was also my bible teacher at the time, was comforting me. He told me she was in a better place, that she was happier now and she wouldn’t have to deal with any pain. Right then was about the same time, the first since the whole funeral planning, had I seen my mom cry. I don’t think the tears I shed throughout the time could compare to the pain she was letting out. I went to hug her and she held me tightly. We cried together. The coffin going into the flames, and the flames..were huge. I imagined the pain my great grandma must have felt. Putting aside the tears and heartbreaks, I have to admit, that funeral brought our extended family together. After over 20 years of being in America, my grandmas had finally rejoiced with their cousins. Say what you will, but my great grandma’s funeral brought us ALL together to mourn her death and to give us a reunion.
Grandma, I know you’re in heaven looking down on us. I hope you’re doing well. I miss you so much, you don’t even know. I can’t believe it’s already been four years since you left…we visit you at the funeral home once in awhile, and everytime, I can’t help but cry when I see you. You’ve missed a lot that’s happened. I’ve got a little brother now, and a new dad. They treat me really well..we actually have a family now. It’s too bad that you couldn’t have met them. I always regret all the bad things I did to you when I was alive. All the times I was disrespectful to you. I’m so sorry. I wish I could take them all back. I wish I could have seen you one last time…if only I had known my goodbye to you that night would be my last. I hope you’re in a happier place…I’m always thinking of you.
